Emasculated

Each man kills the thing he loves,

by each let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some do it with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

and the brave man with a sword.

-Oscar Wilde

Ballad of Reading Gaol


And then a line kind of pops into my head. Never assume you are the dumbest one in the room. However... Do not assume that you are the smartest neither.

I do not regret my child hood. My child hood was unique. It made me who I am.

It was a hard one just like the rest of them. Hiding under kitchen tables while these large thunderous legs stampeded around me. I was just a mouse.

Constant reminders mind you... That I was not good enough... smart enough... or fast enough. I was a problem. I was an over medicated thorn. A disease to the Modern Sleep.

Now I try to stay away from families and packs of wolves and leaches, because every individual seems to know the next one better than themselves. Clowns self appointing themselves as some kind of Judge. Every body has an opinion and their two pennies to throw in. Everybody is afraid to make fun of themselves. Or hurt themselves... You should try it sometime. It builds character.

And i got sick of this... and I grew out of this nonsense... and I became this performer of the sorts. A juggler juggling my words and insecurities.

Preforming my Emasculation to the sometimes confused yet curious masses...

And sometimes I was beautiful... and then sometimes I was hideous... sometimes both, depending on which mood so struck me at the moment. And sometimes... Most of the time... i was too fucking drunk to remember which face I decided to wear for the evening.

And I fell in love with so many curious and cute and naughty little girls... I lifted them up to the sky with dreams and false expectations... then brought them so terribly down, to the ground, and forced them to dig their own graves, while I watched them, and played with myself..

So many nights feeling tequila burning my esophagus, into my stomach... into my soul... reflecting my hatred... Stumbling down the road...

I see a pay phone. I call her number. She answers. She hurt me. I was not good enough for her. I don't remember what i say. I say something to the effect though...

something she will never forgive me for. Something that will burn in her memory probably until the day she dies. And in that moment... I feel satisfaction.

"I have purchased a new coat hanger for our next abortion you wretched whore!"

That was cruel. Yes I know this. I am a cruel person... when tequila is involved. When this strange woman hurts me to the point she taps into this exquisite childhood.

I Laugh about it five minutes after the fact

and then

curl up in some darkness and cry about it in my own solitude. And this time I never seem to come out of it. I just stay there. A stoned drone moving down the assembly line, I see more and more Lemmings goose stepping off the cliff... where at once I bounced to the side mocked and heckled them...

Now I am to weary and exhausted to do anything else but follow... and follow. No one was really hearing what I was trying to say. And even if they did... they were too afraid... and frankly... so was I.

I can not believe I have hurt some people the way I have.

I can not believe they would do this to me...

I am forever trapped under that table avoiding being trampled unfortunately. Avoiding you, avoiding them, I have been castrated... so I do not need to worry about being hurt by another female.

I bleed from my dick when I cum. It is not too pretty... and yes... it is very painful.

And Ironically... in the midst of this dull depression I did indeed meet this woman who does everything in her power, and goes out of her way just to make me smile.

endless blue eyes

Delicate white skin, She was true to her self and her surroundings...

If I penetrated this beauty with my wound... it would ruin everything...Like it has ruined everything... They do not like to feel me bleed inside of them...

There is A Genuine Woman.

Finally.

We play...

We flirt...

We give one another the "eye"

but as soon as I held her hand she broke out into this terrible rash

and she gasped

"What have you done to me?"

Then she died.